Introduction People tell us that we need to find our joy in the Lord, but rarely does anyone tell us how. We might be lifted high by verses of scripture, and we might soar to the heights of heaven through the well-crafted prose of devotional writers, only to find ourselves back in the ditch when Monday morning comes around. Lately, I have learned that Joy in the Lord does not just come to us: we have to fight for it. The purpose of this article is to describe one strategy we can utilize in our fight for joy. But first some history.
History At the end of Nehemiah 8:10 we read, "The Joy of the Lord is your strength" (KJV). Many years prior to the birth of Nehemiah, David had said to God in Psalm 4:7, "You have put more joy in my heart than they [David's enemies] have when their grain and new wine abound" (HCSB).
The shortest sermon I ever heard-a sermon that was less than thirty seconds long-was also one of the most powerful and influential in my life. It was during my college days at UNC Charlotte. There was a girl named Linda. She was radiant with the glow of a bride-to-be. About to graduate from college and engaged to one of the most polite, handsome, and mature young men on campus, she had many reasons to be happy. Yet, as I walked by her in the lunch room one day, I overheard her say to a friend, "I am trying to learn to find my joy in the Lord."
I was puzzled. To rejoice in the gifts of God-that much I understood. But to rejoice in God, Himself, seeking to make Him the primary source of joy: the idea was foreign to my way of thinking. Nevertheless, for years it continued to resonate in my mind as something I needed to understand.
Twenty-one years later, my son and only child, barely thirteen years old, would die from injuries sustained while performing a trick on his bicycle. In February of 2001, one of the greatest sources of joy and happiness I had ever known was buried. I had been a Christian for many years. I trusted God. Nevertheless, I knew at that time that unless I learned-in a deeper way-what it meant to find my joy in the Lord, I would be miserable for the rest of my life.
It has been five years now since Stephen died. Thinking back on Linda's comment, she seemed to recognize two things:
Among those who have diligently sought to understand the joy that is to be found in God alone, few have articulated this as well as Jonathan Edwards. He wrote:
- Having your joy rooted primarily in God is necessary for perseverance in the Christian life.
- This joy-in-God does not come passively-it is an art that has to be cultivated. It is an attitude that requires serious and regular reflection upon the character and work of God.
The enjoyment of God is the only happiness with which our souls can be satisfied. To go to heaven, fully to enjoy God, is infinitely better than the most pleasant accommodations here. Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, or children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows; but God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams. But God is the ocean (Works, II, 244).We will all face many challenges in the coming days. If our happiness is overly contingent upon our temporal circumstances, we will easily become discouraged. On the other hand, if our joy is firmly established in God, we will have the spiritual strength and stamina to persevere, regardless of the circumstances. May the joy of the Lord be our strength; in His strength may we do our best for His glory and honor; and may God help us, as we live out our lives, to more clearly see and experience the depths of the joy that is to be found in God alone.Remembering It is not hard to convince Christians that God should be our primary source of joy. However, it is harder to convince them that this source of joy can be strong enough to make them able to bear the most extreme difficulties. Many do not realize that pain and joy can coexist and that joy can out-weigh the pain.
Not long after my wife and I buried our son, we spoke to a lady who had recently buried her young daughter. As this lady responded to someone who had told her to find her joy in the Lord, she said, "I would like to do that. Someone please tell me how to do that."
Several things keep us from finding our joy in the Lord. One is our lack of knowledge of scripture. The other is the frailty of our memories. Sometimes we actually know a lot of of helpful Scripture and a lot of very consoling applications of Scripture, but when we need to recall it, we cannot bring it to mind.
Perhaps our memories work this way because of our fallen natures. Why else would our memories so easily recall everything that ignites anger and bitterness, while everything that encourages forgiveness and love requires a mental stepladder?
I submit that only with the most determined exertion can we force our minds to think biblically during the hour of crisis. I think David knew this. That is why in the first part of Psalm 42:6 he said, "O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee . . ." (KJV). David recognized two things:
One way we can exert our will is by training our memories to more quickly retrieve information that encourages us. Here is a strategy that I use:
- He recognized that when he was depressed he needed to think about God.
- He recognized that this was not something that would just happen--it required him to exert his will.
After considering the letters in the word grapes, I decided to use these words to remind me of why my joy is in the Lord:
- Think of a word where not many letters repeat. We'll call this word the memory word. An example might be the word grapes.
- For each letter of the memory word, think of a word for some aspect of God that begins with that letter. The first letter of grapes is "g," so I might let "g" stand for the gentleness of Jesus.
- Throughout the day, think about one of the words you selected. In this case, I would think about the gentleness of Jesus. I would especially need to note two things: (1) What that word reveals about the character of Jesus and (2) How this feature of Jesus should comfort me. I might do this during my long commute to work.
- Optional but very helpful, when you get home in the evening, try to write a page or less about that word.
- The next day, try to recall your thoughts about the first word, and start meditating on the next word.
The following pages are simply the things I thought about as I meditated on these words.
- Gentleness
- Righteousness
- Adoption
- Patience
- Empathy
- Strength
Gentleness I raise chickens. Sometimes it is fun, but at other times, chickens are too much like people. When a chicken is bleeding, it seems to be an advertisement for every other chicken to peck the wound.
Many times people are just like that. I knew of one Christian family where the daughter got pregnant outside of marriage. The girl's parents were holding up okay until one day they were late for Sunday School and accidentally overheard a conversation where someone said, "If they had been raising that girl right, this never would have happened." Instead of being an encouraging community, this Sunday School class became a source of discouragement and a reason for leaving the church.
Christians have many other devices for pecking wounds. A pecked wound might heal, but who can heal the wounds inflicted by gossip? Who can bandage the damage inflicted because of rumors and misunderstandings?
Jesus can. The gentleness of Jesus shines like a bright light against the darkness of the harshness of people. When no one else seems to understand, Jesus will be saying, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:29, NIV).
I will rejoice in the gentleness of Jesus compared to the harshness of people.
Righteousness The next feature of God I considered is conveyed by the word "righteous." I cannot think of any word in the English language that is more intimidating. Bereavement makes it even worse. For nothing reminds us of anything and everything we have ever done wrong like losing a child. Grief puts a magnifying glass over every failure, and the resulting sense of guilt can be almost overwhelming.
Then I think of the perfect righteousness of Jesus. Because of His perfect righteousness, He was able to pay for my sins. United to Jesus through faith in Him, I have peace with God.
Let survivor's guilt bring its strongest accusations. Let bereavement bring its best prosecuting attorneys. United to Christ, covered under His perfect righteousness, yet having no merit of my own, I am protected by the very Son of God.
I will rejoice in the righteousness of Jesus, a righteousness that enabled Him to pay the penalty for my sin.
Adoption "Dad, let's do something as a family. Let's play a board game."
Not a month goes by that I do not wish I had one more chance to play a board game with my son. But I hated board games. They took way too long to play, and I had way too many more important things to do. At least, I thought I did. Meanwhile, Stephen had merely wanted to do something as a family. Family fun was very important to him.
The idea of family was also very important to Jesus. When He taught His disciples to pray, He instructed them to address God as Father. But Jesus conveyed the fatherhood of God even more strongly when, in His resurrected body, He encountered Mary Magdalene at the tomb. He said, ". . . I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God" (John 20:17, KJV).
Of all the things He could have said to Mary, He seemed to overflow with joy in being able to tell her that His father was now her father too.
Just like Mary Magdalene, through faith in Jesus, I have God as my father and Jesus as my brother. I have been adopted into the family of God. For now, I am more like a child in a foreign orphanage who is waiting for my new American parents to come and get me. I do not yet have all the privileges of a son, but that's only because I am not yet home. Meanwhile, I will rejoice in being part of the family of God.
Patience Not again! I can't believe I made the same mistakes again!
The drive home from work can be very frustrating. It used to take about an hour and five minutes. Now, due to construction, it can take an hour and a half. The careless actions of the other people on the road can be even more frustrating than the length of the drive. Do you remember the Kamikaze pilots from World War II? The ones that survived the war now live in Middle Tennessee and drive cars instead of airplanes.
But even more annoying than the dangerous things people do in traffic is my own frustration over the ways I continue to fail God throughout the day. When I set out to pray and to ask for forgiveness, often one of the first things to go through my mind is this: "Why would God even want to hear my prayers again?" Instead of being comforted through prayer, I find myself saying, "Not again! I can't believe I made the same mistakes again"!
That is when I have to remind myself of the patience of Jesus. Many consider Isaiah 42 to be a prophecy about what Jesus would be like. "He will not cry out or shout or make His voice heard in the streets. He will not break a bruised reed, and He will not put out a smoldering wick; He will faithfully bring justice. He will not grow weak or be discouraged until He has established justice on earth. The islands will wait for His instruction" (Isaiah 42:2-4, HCSB).
The passage says that Jesus would not break a bruised reed or put out a smoldering wick. After losing a child, we have often felt like a bruised reed or a smoldering wick. Like a bruised reed, we have often come perilously close to breaking, and like a smoldering wick, whatever remaining spark of life we have has often been barely enough to get us out of bed.
When my emotions are on edge, I sometimes say things I shouldn't, and I sometimes do things I regret. Frustrated over my lack of kindness and control, I sometimes want to give up on myself. But has Jesus given up on me?
Not at all. I am very thankful for Philippians 1:6 which says, ". . . He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (HCSB). I would not believe at all if God had not changed my heart. I would not have continued believing if God had not nurtured my faith like a tender plant. And what about the future? I am still under construction, and God is still at work, using every circumstance, even the difficult ones, to transform me into the kind of person He wants me to be.
Therefore, even when I am disappointed in myself, I will rejoice in the patience of God. He has not given up on me yet.
Empathy It was June, 2001, and Father's Day was too soon to be back at a funeral home. Four months had barely passed since we had buried Stephen. But there we were. It was for Miss Betty. At church, Stephen had sat between Miss Betty and my wife on most Sundays. Now, in just over four months, both Miss Betty and Stephen were gone.
I struggled over what to say to her husband. The experience of losing a child did not expand my vocabulary--it shortened it. I knew more about what "not" to say than what "to" say. A hug, "I'm sorry," "we love you," "we will miss her," what else is there? Oh, there is one more thing: "We will see her again." We knew we could say this about Miss Betty.
This is similar to the way Jesus, in John 11:23, encouraged Martha when her brother Lazarus died: "Your brother will rise again." But something happened to Jesus when he later saw Mary crying. In John 11:33 we read, "He was angry in His spirit and deeply moved." Then in verse 35 we read, "Jesus wept." In verse 38 His anger continued as He called for the stone that blocked the entrance to Lazarus' tomb to be moved.
Why? After all, Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. He knew that in just a few minutes the sounds of mourning would be replaced with sounds of rejoicing. Yet, He wept so deeply that in verse 36 the people said, "See how much He loved him!"
I have thought a great deal about this passage over the past five years. Jesus wept, but I don't believe He was weeping for Lazarus. I believe He was weeping for those people, and I believe He was weeping for us. He fully understands our grief and our sorrows. Indeed, I believe the events of that day further strengthened His determination to face the cross. He knew that because of what would take place on that cross, some day this cycle of death would end forever.
The word I have chosen for the letter "e" is empathy. In one of Webster's definitions, empathy is "the capacity for participation in another's feelings or ideas." Jesus demonstrated empathy at the tomb of Lazarus. He also knows your heart and mine--your sorrows and my sorrows.
There have been times when I have felt all alone in my grief. I have a wonderful wife and wonderful friends. Still, there is a level of grieving that is so personal that no one else could possibly understand--no one, that is, but Jesus. Therefore, I will rejoice in the empathy of Jesus.
Strength "Lord, I just need some time to heal up. Please go easy on me for a little while."
That is what I prayed shortly after Stephen died. Other difficulties followed, but nothing as severe as what many have experienced. One lady lost her infant son, only to be abandoned by her husband a few months later. A hardworking man lost his job when he could no longer concentrate after burying his daughter. One woman watched her child succumb to cancer, only to get cancer herself a few years later. Burying your child may be the worst kind of trial, but sometimes it is only the beginning of trouble.
Why must there be so much trouble, and why must so much of it be dumped on the same people? From "Fiddler on a Roof," sometimes we have echoed Tevia's complaint: "Lord, I know we are your chosen people, but just once, couldn't you choose someone else?" It is not difficult to explain how God could use evil for good purposes. However, it is very difficult to explain why there must be "so much" evil. In various places, the Apostle Paul explained the purpose of evil, but I do not know of any place where he explained the quantity.
Yet, with the exception of Jesus, I cannot think of anyone who suffered more than Paul. "Five times I received from the Jews 40 lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. I have spent a night and a day in the depths of the sea (2 Corinthians 11:24-25, HCSB), and the list goes on.
That's a lot of suffering, right? Maybe we would even suggest that it is "enough" suffering. But look out! By the time we get to 2 Corinthians 12:7 there is even more: ". . . . A thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to torment me so I would not exalt myself."
Paul prayed three times to have this affliction taken away, but the answer from God was, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."
People have often told me that if they ever have to bury a child, they hope they will be as strong as I was. I tell them that God does not give you the strength you need until you actually need it. Since I have lived through this experience, I expect them to believe me.
Paul endured worse suffering; yet at the end of 2 Corinthians 12:10 he said, "When I am weak, then I am strong." He probably expected us to believe him, since he was able to endure these experiences. Perhaps I should believe Paul. Perhaps I should really believe that no matter what kinds of trials I will face in the days ahead, God will give me the strength I need when I need it.
When I saw my injured son lying on the pavement, my attitude towards physical strength changed forever. Strong arms--still. Strong legs--not moving. The only certain strength is the strength God gives. Posted beside Stephen's picture in the church library is this passage, "Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:30-31, HCSB).
Therefore, I will rejoice in God's promise to strengthen those who are trusting in Him.
Summary These pages have, I hope, provided an example of a strategy we can use to fight for joy. In His Word, God has provided many reasons for us to be encouraged, reasons to hope in Him, reasons for joy. But to do us any good, the reasons for that joy must be easily accessed. By taking simple words and tying those words to the hope we have in God, we can force our memories to assist us in thinking biblically, not only when trials come, but every day of our lives.
Home Help for Those Who Grieve Reflections